This year in April, I will turn 56 years old. And HOW do I feel? Old. That's what I keep hearing from the media, restaurants, etc. etc. etc. But since a big portion of the population are babyboomers, why is there this prejudice? Sure one does slow down somewhat and it is harder somedays to remember things, but does that mean we are suppose to quit living? I just don't get it. It is really very depressing to be in this place and I know many people in my age group HAVE to be feeling this bazarre and wierd prejudice.

But now at age 56, with all my experience, I can't find a job in my field because I am too old!!!!? How ironic! As I said, I am turning 56 in April and I am not ready to hang it up workwise but would like to change my present job I've been at for almost 10 years. My husband, who is 11 years older than I, retired when he was 60 and instead of saying, "honey you should retire with me," he says that I should "keep working to build up my retirement." Since we've been married 20 years, I quit working full time 17 years ago and decided to work part time while the youngest was growing up and that was fine except for my husband. He didn't understand that I felt I needed to stay home with the youngest part of the time just to be with the son. But now, of course, there are people my age who have grandchildren and even stay home to take care of the grandchildren, even full time. Our youngest son is 19 and in college and because this is a second marriage for both me and my husband, we have children in their 30's who show no interest in getting married and having children although my stepdaughter is planning on getting married in 2007 so maybe in the future.

I guess at this time in my life, I really don't want to start over in any NEW career because I don't have the energy or time to do that. But I feel that I am screwed because of some strange force out there that says we are too old at age 55. Even the restaurants say it. If you are age 55 and over, you need to pay less and eat less because you are too old to do anything else.

This age thing bugs me BIG TIME! So what is a person to do? Well I decided that I should lose some weight and work out doing weight resistance exercise and aerobics which is what I am trying to do. I've had a couple health scares which turned out to be nothing.

But there are alot of YOUNG people doing this at the gym I go to with occasional people my age. The other day I walked on the treadmill just like the younger people and I felt like an ancient grandmother and I am not even a grandmother. But I am not going to give it up. I DON'T FEEL LIKE I AM OLD! I feel like I did when I was 18 or 30 or 40 but with more aches, pains, and supposedly more wisdom. But do I have more wisdom? I just know as I get older that the more I know, the more I know I DON'T know.

My 19 year old son is very sure of himself and thinks he knows everything! Actually he thinks he knows more than his dad and I do. His dad and I just laugh when he's not there because the son is going to find out how hard things are going to get especially as he gets older and finds out alot of things. I think for younger people nowadays, it is getting harder and life is getting more unfair than ever. There are alot of successful people out there in their 20's, 30's and 40's who are doing well but there are also plenty who AREN'T doing so well and have to work their butts off. My 19 year old hasn't really gotten a job yet although he did mow lawns in the summer and was involved in the school band until he graduated. I thought he should get a job at 16 but my husband, who was farming, thought the boy should help him and so that boy hasn't gotten a job. Now it is kind of late and he is having a hard time finding a job -- I think he should have started at age 16 trying to find a job. He also thinks that he doesn't have to try for more than 1 job at a time. So he really isn't trying very hard. Now he is starting to run out of money after finally getting a car to work (he's going to school to be mechanic) and will have to pay insurance and gas now that the car is in his name. Now it is his problem but I don't see him hitting the pavement trying to find a job. He just doesn't get it. I was working and paying for my insurance when I was 16 so why can't he? He'll learn or sink. My husband is even telling the kid that he should find a job to start paying for his own stuff. So the kid lately started trying to job hunt a little harder. This kid is not highly motivated. I KNEW when I turned 16 that I had to work to earn some of my own money. The boy doesn't get that.

But now I don't have to take care of the boy anymore. He is basically on his own even if he lives with us. That is okay for now. I like not having to be responsible for deciding what he should do. When my husband retired 5 years ago, he started taking over some of the responsibilities that I have been shouldering all these years with the boy. My husband wouldn't have been able to do that when he worked because he can only do one thing at a time although he would be really upset if he heard me say that. And since he knows absolutely NOTHING about computers, he won't ever read my blog. I multitasked with my 30 yeaR old son long before it was popular to multitask.

My present job at a church as a secretary, is one that I would like to unload. I feel really unappreciated mostly and after 9 1/2 years, it is time to move on. Because we have a renovation beginning in April, 2006, we have to move to a different location. What a pain! I was hoping to get out of there by then but no such luck because nobody else will hire me. Although I did have someone tell me that it was not in my favor to have worked at the church for employment at another company. Churches are by far the busiest places--I know because I have worked in the business world for a long time. Churches are a business and many people, despite a downward turn of membershipin mainstream churches, many people end up coming back because of deaths, births, etc.

But I wasn't thinking ahead I guess. Retirement seems faroff but now that my husband is retired, it doesn't seem that far off. I have my own IRA, social security, etc. but not built up enough. I do have some inheritance and my husband also has inheritance to which I am not really entitled entirely, so I can't depend on either of those choices. But even then I still need to work. Besides even if I was at home, I think me and my husband would drive each other nuts if we were both at home and I would have to find other interests anyway. So much for "happily ever after" and "spending the rest of our lives together."